How to break up gracefully
- From: The Sunday Telegraph
- Sun Oct 04 00:00:00 EST 2009
Growing apart ... There are ways to ease the pain of breaking up. Source: The Sunday Telegraph
ENDING a relationship is always hard, but with honesty and consideration for your partner's feelings, you can do your best to end things on good terms.
1 Don't shift the blame
When your feelings for your partner change, one of the ways it manifests is a behaviour called "distancing".
Relationship counsellor and clinical psychologist John Aiken says that can mean being overly critical, hostile, prickly or short, or through physical separation, such as going for long walks, partying, working late or spending time on the internet.
"It's the beginning of the exit strategy," Aiken says.
"However, it's this kind of avoiding behaviour that leaves your partner feeling vulnerable, hopeless, lonely and fearful."
It's particularly damaging when they ask what is wrong and are stonewalled.
"Some people spend months, even years, criticising and distancing, thinking they're letting them down slowly, but it only has a detrimental effect on their partner's self-esteem."
2 Don't make them dump you
Avoid forcing your partner to do the breaking up when it's you who wants to leave, Aiken says.
People sabotage their relationships in a number of ways, he says: reducing sex and intimacy, flirting inappropriately, putting their partner down, drinking and drug taking, going out or having affairs.
"Essentially, they do all the things their partner hates, so it gets to a point where the partner feels they can't put up with being so disrespected and they have to call it off," he says.
Instead, Aiken says you should be upfront. "Tell your partner directly and in a respectful manner that you have decided to break up your relationship. Don't force their hand to leave you."
3 Avoid the old cliches
It's not you it's me; I've got too much work on; I need some space right now... avoid cliches at all costs. It just leaves your partner's mind searching for answers.
"The mind needs to make sense of the world," Aiken says.
"If they're still in love with you, they'll want to try to fix it when there is no hope. If you are clear and talk in terms of your feelings, such as, 'I don't feel there is a spark or chemistry', your ex can't go into denial about what is happening. Being honest helps them move on quicker."
4 Say it to their face
Breaking up by phone, email, text, or by changing your status on Facebook is just plain disrespectful.
"To do it in a short, blunt way reeks of a lack of courage and responsibility and devalues the time you've spent together," Aiken says. "It's so impersonal that it hurts them even more, and breeds anger and resentment."
There is also the issue of closure, especially when you avoid your ex. "Front up and see them face to face so they can get the answers they need. That way you're helping them through the break-up process.
"Otherwise they are left with a void of trying to work out exactly what happened."
5 Don't do it in public
While you may think that a cafe or bar is a good place to deliver the news (and to spare you an emotionally volatile scene), you will be taking the coward's way out.
Clinical psychologist Joanne Corrigan says: "Even if it is anxiety-provoking, you have to face it and do it in a place where your partner feels safe to be able to express their feelings.
"Preface the conversation with, 'I have something really important to talk about'. Then they are at least somewhat prepared for what is to come."
6 No mixed messages
Once you've made up your mind you want to break up, don't give your ex mixed signals by sending text messages, asking to meet up and, especially, sleeping together.
Corrigan says you've got to have distance or else you will install a false hope for a future that you know will never exist.
"The psychological damage comes from the inconsistency between verbal and non-verbal communication," she says.
"Our instincts pick up on non-verbal communication, while the verbal is telling us something completely different, so much so that the emotional process malfunctions because you can't decipher what's going on, which causes further pain."
Corrigan says sending the occasional text message to let them know you're thinking about them is okay. "But giving someone false hope because you want your needs met is just cruel."
7 Don't be their emotional rock
If breaking up is easier for you than your partner then you may get a touch of the guilts. However, you're not the appropriate one to support them emotionally through this.
"It's totally inappropriate and damaging to get comfort from the source of the pain," Corrigan says.
"You can't take the pain away, so give them space to work through the emotional process. In life and love, there is pain and suffering, we all have to work out how to deal with it. Instead, encourage your ex to get support from friends or family, or to go to counseling."
8 If it's over, it's over
You've broken up and now suddenly you want to hang out. Getting back together after a few days or weeks will only extend the pain of a break-up.
"Set clear boundaries, such as four weeks of no contact. That way you aren't sending mixed messages," Aiken suggests. "This is saying: 'It's over and I'm not going to keep you hanging on.'
If you want to be friends, you have to let the feelings fade before you can resume some sort of friendship. Keeping in regular contact doesn't allow anyone to move on."
9 Don't rub their face in it
So you've moved on with somebody else? Be mindful not to rub your ex's face in it by bringing your new beau to your mutual friend's gatherings.
There will come a time when the dust has settled and this can happen, but in the short term try to be respectful. Ask yourself how you would feel if the shoe was on the other foot.
10 Be liberal with the cold, hard truth
Be honest about your feelings, but if you've broken up with them because you don't like a physical characteristic, their family or because they just don't smell right, there is no point going into specifics.
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